Happy Pride everyone! (Except André).

I’ve been clearing out my old room. Coming across old photos and books, notes from lovers and drawings of guinea pigs. Broken hard drives and chargers to phones from the late 90s. And it’s thrown up a lot of old feelings. This has coincided with Brighton Pride, and in a strange way the whole thing has made me feel protective of myself as a little boy.

I still remember the taunts from my Dad’s friend André; “Do you like Gilbert? Do you like George? Are you going to grow up and be like them?” I was around 5 or 6 years old, and my family was visiting the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao with friends. My Dad’s friend André was a pest, and since hearing me begging for the latest Polly Pocket toy for my birthday, had taken a particular interest in bothering me. 

The new Polly pocket was a fairy theme, and the characters had little wings made of shiny cellophane. Hot air balloons lifted the characters between floors and little lights illuminated treasures in the castle. It was magical. As a five-year-old, I didn’t have much interest in the Gilbert and George exhibition at Bilbao, but André had taken the opportunity to question me - a prepubescent child - extensively about whether I had a girlfriend, or whether I was like “Gilbert, or like George,” and had a boyfriend. What I know now, is that André was referring to the famously homosexual artist duo “Gilbert and George.” Of course he wasn’t really questioning me, he was posing a question for the captive audience. He was stinging my parents with his particularly cruel brand of humour. He was signalling to everyone in the group that I was not like the other children - not like his children - that there was something wrong with me.

How could anyone bully this little mushroom?

I still remember the hyena-like sniggering from the strange adult who would not leave me alone. An oddly sweaty man. I remember being confused at the relentlessness of it all, and the silence and embarrassment it was met with. It was shame, I guess. A blanket of it. And I knew from that young age that my asking for the Polly Pocket had caused it to descend over us like a suffocating cloud. It marked me. But anyway, I wanted the Polly Pocket! I wanted it! I wanted it! And I got it. But we’ll return to André later…

Point D'Ironie #22, Gilbert and George.

I have a strangely detailed memory for this type of event, which is good for my artwork and writing, but perhaps not excellent for my mental health. I mention André in particular, because this is perhaps the earliest memory I have of being goaded by an adult bully. Hate crime, bullying and discrimination follow LGBTQ+ people throughout their lives. According to a report by the BBC, the most common form of bullying in schools is homophobic or transphobic bullying, and Stonewall reported that “69% of LGBT people who had been a victim of a hate crime experienced depression and 76% reported episodes of anxiety.” According to a research project conducted by Youth Chances, “52% of LGBTQ people reported self-harming, compared to 35% of heterosexual non-trans young people. Furthermore, 44% of the LGBTQ people reported suicidal thoughts, compared to 26% of heterosexual non-trans respondents.” I have many feelings when I read reports like this, but surprise is not one of them. Suffice to say, like many LGBTQ+ kids, I grew up believing that it was impossible to be proud of myself and if you know my work, you’ll be aware of how frequently I visit the theme of depression and suicide.

Bullying and Suicide Risk among LGBTQ Youth, The Trevor Project 2021

I’m writing this today, because tomorrow is Brighton Pride 2022. As a teenager the annual Pride Parade was like a yearly slap in the face. I used to sweat and hide, and make excuses to my friends about why I couldn’t join them. I would lament the crowds and taunt the music, and go on long walks into the woods until sunset. This is because I was hiding, and I was ashamed. But little-by-little I opened up and relaxed. And now I love it, and guess what - I am proud. And looking back, Polly Pocket is awesome - it fuelled my interest in art, product design, storytelling, visual culture, character design and animation. To me, that Polly Pocket was more influential than the whole Guggenheim Bilbao collection put together.

Guggenheim Museum Bilbao

I would love to believe this type of behaviour was something of the past, but a particularly triggering event for many people in the LGBTQ+ community was Lewis Hamilton’s recent “lapse in judgement”, when the formula one driver turned his phone camera to his 4 year old nephew in a princess dress and wand, and shouted: “Boys don’t wear princess dresses!” Of course, this comment was not directed to the child directly, but to Hamilton’s millions of followers, to whom he was live streaming. Just as I was a prop for André, this child was a prop for Hamilton. I literally cannot fathom the global megaphone of toxic masculinity which this child has fallen victim to, and how it will reverberate through his life. The video will be preserved forever on the internet and the boy will have a viral moment plaguing him for the rest of his life. Hamilton was later forced to apologise, saying; “I have always been in support of anyone living their life exactly how they wish and I hope I can be forgiven for this lapse in judgement.”

Fairy fantasy Polly Pocket

So this is the importance of Pride. Members of the LGBTQ+ community are survivors who must wander into a hostile world and create their own refuge - and Pride is a manifestation of that refuge. It is important that we party and have fun, but never lose sight of the purpose of Pride. At this time of year my mind is with those who have had it much worse than me - those who have succumbed to the darkness and are no longer with us, like my secondary school art teacher, or those who live in hostile countries, like some of my best friends in Sri Lanka and South East Asia, who have faced extreme persecution, violence, and rape. In particular I stand with members of the BAME and trans communities, and those from abusive backgrounds.

There are still laws against homosexuality in 69 countries. 36 of these are in the Commonwealth. Homosexuals face the death penalty in Brunei, Iran, Mauritania, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and in the northern states in Nigeria. So we have a lot of work to do!

Now, back to André. Many years later my father took a group of Canadian Undergraduate students on a research trip to Europe. For some unknown reason, the 50-something André accompanied the 18-20-something (mostly female) students; taking the same coaches with them, visiting the same historical sites, eating in the same restaurants and drinking in the same bars - sleeping in the same accommodation. He is neither an academic, nor an Art Historian, nor a tour guide. Very quickly complaints began to emerge. Harassment of female students. Bullying of the male students. Unwanted advances. Inappropriate and misogynistic comments. Eventually he was asked to leave the tour. 

A show of hands for anyone who is surprised…? No one? Yeah, I thought so. Because bigotry comes in clusters, and homophobia, misogyny, racism and a whole gamut of other “isms” tend to cluster into the same ignorant corners. So in conclusion, have fun and enjoy pride everyone, but not you André.

Brighton and Hove Pride!

If you are interested to see how these experiences have shaped my artwork, the starkest example is probably my award winning audiovisual work ANGER, voted “Best Podcast of 2022” by the Dark Comedy Film Festival, LA. It is entirely free, but please be advised there are scenes of graphic, violent and bloody vengeance, and strong language from literally the first sentence.